Sometime before the pandemic, I let go of my creative control for what I believed to be the better good. Before that point, I was avid about sharing what I thought in ways that I thought were constructive. In that, I would opine on current happenings — be it political news or otherwise — or things I observed about my life and the world around me. My intent was good, even if it was for two different reasons: to share my life or perspective and/or add to the conversation. At some point, however, my willingness to publish my thoughts faded.
For starters, I had received feedback that by publishing my — particularity on political topics — I was further deepening divisions between myself and the people I’m connected with, namely my friends and family. This was never my intention, even if this feedback is lacking pointed examples. I have always felt, and continue to feel that, politics is about all of us. I also feel strongly that on each of the issues facing our country and the world today, a conversation is necessary not only to move the needle but to raise awareness.
In hindsight, I’m aware that my intentions may not line up with the feedback for the simple reason that politics in America has gone so far of the rails that we no longer believe in the collective, but rather about what the collective is going to do for us. We stand firmly in our positions such that any deviation from our position causes an identity crisis. I’m going on too long about this point, but the theme here is that talking about our differences is important. My choice here is to keep the conversation going in furtherance of my aforementioned goals and risk potentially pushing my friends and family away, or stop talking about it altogether. Something I believe is antithetical to who I am and what I believe in. I’ll close on this point by saying that I believe our country needs to do more talking, even if those conversations are difficult. The problems before us exclude no one, but require us to come to the table.
There was another event that called into question what I decide to write about. For as long as I’ve been writing, I’ve tried to share as much of my life as I felt comfortable with. I’ve talked about my childhood, about my time living in a children’s home, and more. I’ve always felt that my writing about my life, while admittedly therapeutic, was meant to help someone else. Mainly, to help the people who are going through something like I did so that they know there is hope and a path forward. I also used my writing about my life to raise awareness and inspire others. While much of this seems harmless, I was shaken to my core when, for the first time, my writing about my life experiences was weaponized and used against me to make me feel small and inadequate. I’m ending this point here because while I have a lot to say about using someone’s life experiences against them, I know that this person regularly checks up on my posts and I refuse to give them that satisfaction.
Less important than the previous two reasons, but still a contributing factor to my hiatus, is my imposter syndrome. Since I was a kid, I’ve been told that I’m a good writer and an equally good speaker. However, much like literally anyone else, I often fall victim to comparing myself to others. I would read posts or pieces written by authors or friends with a Ph.D. and think how badly I wanted to write as eloquently as them. Adding to this, I also knew that my audience was not nearly as large as that of others and I would question if my writing is purposeful for that reason. This is silly, but it’s a fault of our minds that I’ve succumbed to at times.
In closing, I write this post simply to provide an update and shed some light on the thoughts I’ve had around my blog/posts. I’m considering coming back to publishing my thoughts as I’ve recently found inspiration in some things I’ve been reading and experiencing. There are also some current event topics that I’d like to dive into, but those posts require a bit more research and planning — another uphill battle I fight with myself on. I’d also like to talk more about tech because it’s only of my interests and something I am often sought after for counsel on. At any rate, I think I’ve chalked this up to a maybe. I will see where my mind takes me and let my heart decide if I should post it. A good first step is making my blog public again.
Thanks for sticking around.